You want to help.
They hear attack.
Walls go up.
Learning stops.
Good feedback needs two things: safety and clarity.
A short story
A team lead told a designer, “Your work lacks ownership.”
The designer shut down.
We changed one thing.
We switched from labels to observations.
Next time the lead said,
“I saw the file went to the client without a final check. It led to a rework. Can we review your handoff steps together?”
The designer leaned in.
Real talk began.
Why people get defensive
- They feel judged, not helped.
- The feedback is vague.
- It happens in public.
- It comes as a surprise.
- It changes their status or safety.
- There is no say in the next step.
The SAFE feedback frame
S — Set the space
“Do you have ten minutes to talk about yesterday’s handoff?”
A — Ask first
“Is now okay, or should we pick a better time today?”
F — Focus on facts
“I noticed the brief was shared without the updated numbers.”
E — Explore and agree
“I might be missing context. What happened from your side?”
“Let us agree on one fix for next time.”
Safety first. Facts next. Solutions together.
Say it like this
Start warm
“I value your work and want you to succeed.”
“I am sharing this because your impact matters.”
State the observation
“I saw the client mail went without the attachment.”
“Two meetings started ten minutes late this week.”
Name the impact
“This created confusion for the client.”
“The team waited and lost momentum.”
Invite their view
“What do you see?”
“What got in the way?”
Co-create the next step
“What is one change that would prevent this?”
“Let us try a checklist for handoffs this week.”
Close with support
“I am here if you want a quick review before you send.”
“Let us check in on Friday for five minutes.”
What to avoid
- Labels and traits: “You are careless.”
Use behaviors: “The deck had three old slides.” - Absolutes: “You always. You never.”
Use concrete: “In Monday and Wednesday’s calls.” - Stacked issues: five topics in one talk.
One topic. One ask. - Public feedback.
Keep it private. Praise in public. - Long speeches.
Short lines. Clear asks.
When emotions rise
- Pause. Breathe.
- Name the feeling. “I can see this is upsetting.”
- Return to purpose. “I am not blaming. I want us to succeed.”
- Slow down. “We can take a break and continue later.”
For remote teams
- Choose video if possible.
- Send a brief note first: “I would like to share feedback on X. Nothing urgent. Can we talk today?”
- After the call, write the one agreed action in a short follow-up.
The one-minute prep
Before you give feedback, write three lines:
- Observation: What I saw or heard.
- Impact: Why it matters.
- Ask: The one change I want.
If you cannot write it simply, do not say it yet.
Tiny scripts you can copy
- “I appreciate your speed. I noticed two details were missed. Can we add a 2-minute final check before sending?”
- “You lead the room well. In the last slide you spoke over Sam twice. Can we try a pause after questions next time?”
- “I may be wrong. I saw the report go out late. What blocked it? What is one way to protect the deadline next week?”
Follow-up that builds trust
End with a date.
“Let us touch base next Tuesday for five minutes.”
Keep the promise.
Notice the improvement.
Say thank you.
Tiny action now
Pick one person who would benefit from clear feedback.
Write the three lines: Observation. Impact. Ask.
Schedule a ten-minute chat today.
The bigger frame
Awareness lets you see what truly happened.
Leadership turns that truth into a calm conversation.
Execution is the small change you both commit to.
Feedback is not a verdict.
It is a bridge.
Build it with safety and clarity.